How I Flirt With Death

I flirt with death every day of my life. This afternoon I walked through the Venice Canals enjoying the sounds of children playing, ducks quacking, and the schizophrenic man asking people a random assortment of requests. I passed happy groups of 30-somethings ignoring each other while texting other friends from iPhones in the beautiful 75 degree weather. I had just breakfasted with Arnold Schwarzenegger and life felt dandy. I happened to take a picture to show what I was seeing at the exact moment Chopin's Sonata No. 2 trumpeted over my iPhone.


Close your eyes and imagine what the Grim Reaper looks like. You probably have a picture in your head of a hooded figure in tattered black robes holding a scythe with bones for fingers. I am here today to say this is not accurate. The Grim Reaper actually looks like my mom. Please don't mistake the last statement as me saying I believe my mom is the Grim Reaper. I know she is not. My mom simply has the misfortune of the Grim Reaper often using her form as a decoy. If I were my mom I would take this as a complement because once the Grim Reaper figured out he was getting nowhere by having people run at his sight he had to figure out a different look. By changing to the form of a caring mom he can now sneak up on people and fuck with their heads. The gentle look of a mom is very practical wouldn't you say? I have a picture for you to see. Study it closely and don't let the pink antenna throw you off because I agree the fuzz is cute but that's not my mom, its a decoy. Notice the eyes...shifty, calculating, and pensive. This is actually a picture of the Grim Reaper.

When my phone rang I answered full of life and spunk. It sucks to have The Grim Reaper look and sound like your mom because you never know who you are talking to. By now I know in order to keep my ideas, dreams, and perhaps life in tact I must throw out upbeat decoys to keep the Grim Reaper at bay. For example, when you are talking to the Grim Reaper you never want to use phrases like, "I'm tired", "I did not eat breakfast today" and "I'm hungry" because those phrases are energy to the Reaper and make him grow stronger. The Grip Reaper is highly skilled in questioning and can easily trap you if you are not always fully aware. For example, if the Grim Reaper says "Did you have a good day" you always say "absolutely". Never say, "yes" or "it was OK". In GR language that is translated as a red flag for illness or depression and he goes in for the kill. If the Grim Reaper asks, "are you feeling well?" the answer is obvious, you always say, "I ran 5 miles this morning and I have never, ever felt better". If you say "I feel fine" you are one foot in the grave.

Sometimes The G.R. simply watches the news and derives conclusions beyond your control. For example the formally hooded figure may call and say "I was watching the news and it looks like you are going to be SLAMMED with a hurricane. Where are you going to retreat?" The worst thing to say is "oh, I don't know...If it does hit, my friends and I will watch it from the safety of some one's condo and have a party". Power up! Its on! The GR is in full swing and we are now playing ball. Your death is imminent and the Grim Reaper is there to make sure you know it.

Today when I received the phone call I made the mistake of mentioning wanting to live in two different locations, Florida and CA. My three year boyfriend lives in LA and we have been commuting back and forth to see each other and it is time to step up the relationship. The following is the conversation The GR and I had:

Me: I am thinking of spending more time in CA.
GR: Why?
Me: I want to see Seth more and I like it in CA. There are lots of cool people doing cool things.
GR: I don't like it there.
Me: When did you visit CA?
GR: I have not been but I know I don't like it. The Southside, the traffic, the smog, yuck.
Me: Really? Its really pretty and there are lots of people my age building really cool ideas.
GR: What is the weather like?
Me: Today its a little chilly.
GR: Its warm in FL today and you like to be warm.
Me: (noticing I was not on the phone with my mom I simply said) I have to go.

It was a close call but the GR did manage to fill me with some doubt and fear. The fear is not too crippling but the seed was planted. All day my asthma acted up because of the smog, wild fires are burning a little brighter, and traffic was worse then ever. There is something in my constitution that tells me The Grim Reaper is not trying to make me anxious so I kill over with a heart attack. In fact I think the Grim Reaper is there to protect me. Something tells me the Angel of Death is simply misunderstood on its intentions but I certainly understand where he got a bad rap. However, I do wish he would leave my mom out of all this madness.

On another note...my sister announced her pregnancy last week and we are all very excited and I am really looking forward to meeting my nephew. He is going to be a Taurus just like me. However, I am a little worried for the tyke. I discovered this picture and I'm afraid his mom's form has already been copied. I can see it in the eyes.